chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I would fuck him just for his dog
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
