It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
