Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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