yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize