I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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