I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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