We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
