She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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