If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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