Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
