I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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