Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
