I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
