if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize