I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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