Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
