I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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