I am spending my child support on dildos
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Pants are for mortals
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