Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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