I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
