I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
