Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
