My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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