dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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