So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
