He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
