Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
