just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
