Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
