I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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