forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
