If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
