don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
