I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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