I faked an abortion last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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