Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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