I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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