Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
