The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
