I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
