I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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