My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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