My room smells like vodka and shame
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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