eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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