This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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