the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
