We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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