Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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