Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
