you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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