the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Randomize
