Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm getting married
To pizza
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
