My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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