I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
