I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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