I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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