I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
