now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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