The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
