Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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