I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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