11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
