Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
